The Fitness Club Who’s Who Guide

Fitness Club Cartoon

No matter what fitness club you belong to, you’ll be sure to run into some of these characters during your workout.

The Monopolizer

The Monopolizer dominates one piece of gym equipment for hours. You’ll almost always catch him between sets, sitting in a catatonic state or talking on his cellphone. When you’re waiting for the machine, he pretends he doesn’t see you and keeps his butt glued to the equipment to stake his claim.

Casual Smart Tony

Tony is an older man, often reeking of cigarettes, who is exempt from the club’s dress code. His workout attire is khaki pants, a button-down shirt, and dress shoes. Perhaps he doesn’t want to spend money on gym clothes, or maybe it’s just that he prefers to go straight to the office after his workout without showering and changing.

The Screamer

This muscle-bound guy with a buzz cut usually works out in the free weights section. You’ll feel the building tremble as he slams weights on the floor, and hear his violent screams between reps. Don’t be embarrassed if you’re confused about whether to call a spotter or a paramedic.

The Faucet

The Faucet sweats so profusely that he floods the floor around him during his workout or just simply after swiping his card at check-in.

The Hobnobber

The Hobnobber tries to look genuine by dressing in gym clothes but spends all of his time socializing and never actually works out.

The Vacuum Guy

The Vacuum Guy is a club maintenance worker who incessantly cleans the floor with a deafening, garbage can-sized vacuum cleaner strapped to his back. His obsession with cleaning the area under and around the exercise machine you’re on provides additional challenges to your workout. You’ll have to carefully synchronize your movements to prevent getting the vacuum caught up in your machine, and then avoid tripping on his 500-foot extension cord that seems to be everywhere.

The Stalker

There’s no escaping this member who always seems to be at the club at the same time as you, no matter what time of day, or day of the week.

The Camel

You’ll typically find The Camel at the head of a long line at the water fountain when you decide to go for a drink, filling up his monstrous water bottle for an eternity.

Holey Joe

Holey Joe wears a filthy, tattered white t-shirt full of holes that is so threadbare, it’s nearly transparent. With sweaty, disheveled hair, he looks like he just rolled out of bed, or a dumpster. A pair of baggy nylon gym shorts and dirty, ragged sneakers completes Holey Joe’s outfit. Apparently, he managed to pay the club’s annual $700 membership fee but can’t afford to buy new workout clothes or to wash the ones he has.

The Expert

This member is an annoying former club employee / flunky who insists that you’re using the equipment incorrectly and then drones on endlessly with senseless instructions.

The Shady Lady

She’s gorgeous, scantily clad, and wears a pair of shades inside the club. You’ll wonder if she might be light sensitive, possibly a secret service agent, or trying to conceal her identity as an exotic dancer. The occasional dollar bill left protruding from her waistband provides the ultimate clue.

The Gawker

You’ll find The Gawker standing outside the club staring in at the women, with his face pressed up against one of the large windows as saliva runs down his chin.

The Extreme Motivator

The gym trainer who speaks five volumes above everyone because he’s trying to motivate but does this even when you ask when the next spin class is – 5:30!!!

The Caterwauler

He puts on his headphones and music, and bursts into “song,” complete with little dance moves, all the while totally oblivious to the acoustical torture he inflicts on his fellow club members. You’ll pray for The Vacuum Guy to come along and drown him out.

Have you encountered any of these at your fitness club? Leave a comment and let us know, or tell us about other interesting characters you’ve noticed.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>


Time limit is exhausted. Please reload the CAPTCHA.